…whatever you do, DON’T WATCH THIS VIDEO ALONE OR IN THE DARK!


 

I’m warning you this video clip is even more disturbing than you think and I suggest we should get Tipper Gore and the Tea Party people in here and lobby to have this film banned, who’s with me? There simply is no antidote to seeing DJ Paris Hilton behind the decks…

I’ll be flat out honest with you that was unbelievably disturbing to watch. I think I was in shock at first. You see I’ve just never stood dumbfounded stuck looking at something like this before. It was so disturbing that I couldn’t help but stand there slack-jawed, knowing my jaw was hanging down almost to my belly button with saliva pouring out and I could do nothing to prevent it, nothing to stop it from happening, nothing to stop those images as they burrowed into my head like a power tool and when it was removed my blood and brains would gush to the floor I was sure of it.

It was fucking disturbing, and I mean disturbing like when I watched that ‘Faces of Death’ movie with my friends against my better judgment when I was twelve years old disturbing… Disturbing like when I was at my in-law’s one time sitting on the royal guest throne after dinner and reading my father in-law’s copy of Rolling Stone expecting the most shocking thing to be that Justin Bieber was teaming up with Pink Floyd or something and stumbled across their stupid token ‘real news article’ five pages of images which immediately began with someone’s head chopped in half, and the next image was of gang war victims’ headless torsos hanging from traffic lights in Columbia or somewhere irrelevant in South America. It was that kind of disturbing.

I just can’t get that image out of my head!  It replays over and over and over and over. Paris Hilton, the awful spoiled stupid whore who hates House Music is somehow dating that Afrojack jerk-off and now she is actually on a stage like DJ Tiesto making her DJ debut, and it begins just like that! NO! I CAN SEE IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!! She’s actually dancing OFF-BEAT and OUT OF RHYTHM with her OWN SONG after apparently forgetting to shut Rihanna’s ‘We Found Love’ off, which was turned on by Paris who obviously has no idea what she’s doing and now Rihanna is playing OFF-BEAT over Paris Hilton’s terrible track. That and the fact that she is now singing not only off beat to but out of key as well, fireworks start to explode (to distract you, I think), and then out of nowhere in between a burst from a smoke machine (also off beat) her headphones go FLYING OFF HER HEAD for no reason whatsoever!

Keep in mind to my wife and I this is all happening in slow motion and her annoying whiney voice is like a 45 rpm record playing at 33⅓ saying in a drawn out lower pitched DRAWL, ” THASSSSS ISSS MMYYY NEEWWWW SIIIINNNGGLLEEE WIITHH AAFFFFROJAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!”

Her headphones quickly back on while still dancing to what can only be another song playing far, far away that only she can hear, I see the universal Beyoncé ‘Single Ladies’ dance all white women of her ilk somehow seem to know by heart. You know, the one where they put their arms in the air, hoot and holler and then grind their hips in the most unflattering manner you could possibly imagine, which tends to end poorly due to lack of skill when it comes to walking in heels.

Paris still hasn’t danced on beat to the song that’s playing, and she’s dancing at a slower hip-hop tempo, the song easily 130 bpms and Paris is dancing at varied 90-96 bpms (Beyoncé ‘Single Ladies’ tempo: 96 bpm) and it’s that dance, that awful gut wrenching dance you only see at spots like The Stone Rose or The Gansevoort Hotel which has instantly killed any kind of sexual urge for me for over twenty years, and being a DJ, those kinds of stupid spoiled whores always want to talk to the DJ or be near the DJ or tell the DJ to play their song next and to get my attention, they do that DANCE which always fucks my head up immediately, because I like to at least pretend they aren’t the dumbest stupid sluts I’ve ever seen and the worst dancers I’ve ever seen.

She continues the pseudo-Beyoncé hip hop type grind until the quintessential annoying Afrojack siren bullshit synth part begins and she miraculously manages to pump her fist in the air ON BEAT THREE TIMES (not four, which would be considered the absolute least you could do as a dancer or fist pumper)!

I’m sorry, let’s call these people ‘SNEETCHES’ to be fair to what and who they are and what they like to do in their neighborhood, the meat packing district – I find it hard to understand why the Sneetches – even have this sudden urge to Dance.

They’ve never liked it before, they would only listen to the Notorious B.I.G. and hip hop which they got into about twenty years late, after it’s greatest artists had peaked and gone solo, but lo and behold they played that idiotic ‘Get Money’ song to death and drove it into the ground, and by golly those girls in the matching outfits practiced that Beyoncé dance every day so they could properly hump each other on the dance floor and when Biggie said to raise their hands they could do it, and sort of  grind their hips and balance in heels while wearing a mini dress that barely covered their asses! Not that it really mattered, because the new goal of these particular Sneetches wasn’t to get drunk, it was to get alcohol poisoning.

To call them stupid would be an insult to stupid people – how they can be so consistently out of touch with every single genre of music that they need a giant blaring SIREN to let them know that this is the part of the song they’re supposed to get excited about?

At this point in the two-minute never ending performance, the one thing Paris is sure of is that she wants to ‘mix’, but she’s forgotten to turn the volume up! At this point I almost felt bad for her it was such an unbelievable disaster. All I kept thinking was, ‘WHY would she want to do this?’

THEN, out of NOWHERE like fucking Tinkerbell to rescue Peter Pan, comes Afrojack himself out from underneath the bizarre DJ console to turn up the volume for her. Now, was he under there waiting and crouching at crotch level just in case? Was he there to read her her lines in case she forgot them? Had he been sitting there letting her fuck up the entire time?

OK, so my question is this: HOW MUCH? How much was he paid? If he made enough to completely disappear and buy a country or an island in the south pacific and never return to civilization again, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why he did it I would like to join him on his island, but it’s going to take years of therapy for me to get over this.

That and the guy who gets shot in the head outside the supermarket in Faces of Death 3 I’ll never be able to forget as long as I live.

I will say this, though. I’m SO GLAD it was one of THEIR (dubstep) boys that brought about the end of our Dance world as we know it. They hold an unwarranted torch for that fucking music and that jerk off so high it’s right up the Swedish House Mafia’s assholes burning holes through the tops of their heads. I’m so so so sorry to break the news to you ‘kids’ but – for the ten billionth time: THAT ISN’T FUCKING HOUSE MUSIC!!!! NONE of you, NOT ONE of you know what House Music is. Not even remotely. The ones that know it has nothing to do with our music and don’t fucking care are the ones I respect. But I swear I’m going to kill the next kid who tells me they love house music and asks me to play Avicii or Steve Aoki I will shoot them where they stand. That music is no different than this. Deal with it: THIS is where your precious Swedish House Mafia and Afrojack come from.

The one thing I got out of this is that now I can finally understand to the bowels of my very soul, what it must have felt like when middle class white teenagers started listening to and playing Jazz. Whites first stole Jazz and then the stole Rock ‘n’ Roll!  Then Hip Hop. I bet all they could ever really say is, “Why would they want to do that?” They aren’t good at it!

First the Dutch came to this country with African slaves and murdered most of them and the native population of this country. Now they’re back and murdering the native population of this country again with our own worst creation and their terrible, contrived wannabe Bitch Tracks. Don’t know what a Bitch Track is? THAT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HOUSE MUSIC IS.

         
 

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